


Embers

by melliejellie



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Break Up, Dysfunctional Relationships, HA that was an existing tag love it Pidge is amazing, Infidelity, Krolia is a badass mom, M/M, Pidge | Katie Holt is a Good Friend, Questionable Choices, The happier ending is here!, Unreliable Narrator, eventually, i sample from canon like a salad bar, in that Keith only sees one side of everything
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-28
Updated: 2018-12-31
Packaged: 2019-09-28 23:29:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 13,045
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17192249
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/melliejellie/pseuds/melliejellie
Summary: After Haggar, there’s time to breathe, but Keith and Shiro forget to. They make their post-war decisions based on what feels right. They’re both so tired of thinking, of planning, of strategizing. And what feels right is being together.But Keith grows restless in the calm of their new life. He looks for purpose in humanitarian missions with the Blades, but feels himself being torn in two.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I sampled from canon. It's like a canon remix. After S8, that's all we can do, right? 
> 
> Basically I listened to "Cleopatra" by the Lumineers, like, six times and this fic idea would not let me go even though I tried to set it aside so I could write some Sheith fluff instead.
> 
> Also Allura's alive because SHE SHOULD BE. *ahem*

After Haggar, there’s time to breathe, but Keith and Shiro forget to. They make their post-war decisions based on what feels right. They’re both so tired of thinking, of planning, of strategizing. And what feels right is being together. So when the Garrison offers Commander Shirogane a nice apartment on-base, Keith moves in immediately. 

Keith looks up from his very important task of making coffee and peanut butter toast when Shiro shuffles into the kitchen, grimacing when his bare feet touch the cold tile floor. “Morning.”

Shiro grumbles something that sounds like “morning” in reply, then wraps both of his arms around Keith, pulling him heavily against his chest. 

Keith settles his head on his shoulder, breathing him in. “You overslept a little.”

“Thanks, babe, just a hard time falling asleep.”

Keith feels Shiro sigh deeper into their embrace and Keith tightens his grip on his boyfriend. “I know.” He was there. He does what he can to help Shiro overcome his demons, even though he’s battling his own. He’ll save him forever. “You didn’t move when I tried to wake you up, so I just made you breakfast instead.”

“I love you.”

“It’s just toast.”

“Still love you.”

“Love you, too.” Keith places a kiss against Shiro’s neck but doesn’t bother pulling away. Not yet, though responsibilities outside this kitchen await. “You gotta go soon.”

Shiro shakes his head. “I’ll just be late.”

His teenage years, losing Shiro, getting him back after he’d given up home, the war - everything - Keith’s life is like he’s standing in the midst of a wildfire, somehow safe and sound as it swirls around him. And now Shiro is dancing in the flames with him. 

 

***

 

It takes a few months, but the wildfire starts to feel like something more sustainable. There are things that ground him - his routines, his friends, the joy he feels at Lance and Allura’s wedding. Shiro grounds him, but also sets him ablaze. Even though Keith wakes up next to him every single morning, he still has trouble believing any of it is real. And when Shiro touches him, when they forego words and speak with their bodies in their twisted up sheets, he feels alive. 

But he wishes his mother wasn’t so far away and that his father wasn’t in the ground near a shack that he can’t bring himself to visit. He looks for work, but outside of the Voltron publicity and appearances he’ll milk as long as anyone cares, “leader of Voltron” doesn’t come with a lot of transferable skills. There is one place that wants to hire him, but Keith avoids the non-residential parts of the Garrison because they’re not home to his best memories. 

“Iverson wanted me to ask again if you’d reconsider.”

Keith’s on the couch, his head in Shiro’s lap. The TV is on for some after dinner relaxing but they’re not watching. His voice leaves his lips smaller than he wish it would. “I don’t want to go back there.”

Shiro looks at him sympathetically. “It’s a different place now, you know that. You helped reshape everything.”

“That was all you and Sam.”

“And you could work with me.” Shiro’s smile is so bright, Keith can’t help but return the gesture. 

“But what would I even do?”

“Help train new pilots, like I do sometimes. You’re the best, you know.”

“I’m not. That’s you. You’re the one that broke all those records.” Keith turns his head closer towards Shiro’s belly. 

“But there’s only two men with ‘can pilot giant robot’ on their resumes.”

Keith snorts. “Yours is bigger.”

Shiro wiggles his eyebrows suggestively. 

“Your robot is bigger, filthy man.”

“And my other robot is bigger, too.”

Keith feels a twitch in Shiro’s sweatpants below his cheek. The fire in his blood starts to swim in the best way. “I can put that to good use.” They don’t make it to the bedroom. Keith’s glad the conversation’s over.

 

***

 

Time passes and Keith’s attempts at domesticity leave him feeling restless. The wildfire shows signs of returning all while Shiro seems to be happily settling into his new role, his new life. Keith works out, he visits the other paladins when he can, he makes dinner, he runs errands, but he avoids the Garrison and hates the way that he sits and stews in his useless feelings in the hours he can’t seem to fill the same way that everyone else seems to be able to. He goes for runs so often he lies to Shiro about how often because he knows it’s too much. The only time he feels alright is when Shiro is home.

Then Krolia shows up at their doorstep. His mother pulls her son into a tight hold for a long moment, then pushes him back, locking eyes. Without ceremony, she explains the situation. The Blades are mobilizing to support the smaller planets and colonies that are having issues finding supplies with everything in disarray. She wants him, needs him to come. Kolivan trusts him, too. 

Keith looks over his shoulder into the rest of his home and his eyes fall on Shiro, stunned and silent. “Can I tell you my answer in the morning?” Keith asks.

Krolia blinks, looking surprised, but then she nods, a small smile forming at the corner of her lips. “In the morning, then, Keith. May I stay here tonight?” She asks the question to Keith, but her eyes land on Shiro.

In bed that night, Keith takes his usual spot along Shiro’s body, his head nestled softly in the nook between his human arm and his strong chest. Shiro’s Altaen arm casts the same soothing light around their bedroom. 

“Do you want to go?”

“I do.” Keith runs his fingers down Shiro’s bare chest. “But I’d miss you.”

“I’d miss you, too.” Shiro’s Altaen hand comes over to rest on top of Keith’s. “So much. But Krolia wants you to come, and I want you to have that time with your mother. She said it’ll be short.”

Keith curls up tighter, hooking a leg around Shiro’s. He wraps his one free arm around Shiro’s middle and pulls his body closer. Shiro’s human arm lifts off the bed to hold Keith in return. It’s warm and it’s safe, but Keith only manages to stay that way for a few minutes before something stirs in him and he finds himself continuing the path until he’s straddling Shiro’s hips, grinding down on the briefs he sleeps in. The time for words is done. He’s going. He needs to feel connected to Shiro before he leaves.

 

***

 

The first mission is simple. Keith goes with Krolia to join up with a bunch of Blades to deliver medicine and supplies to a planet in a part of a galaxy overrun with pirates. After the fights, after several days of hard work helping the civilians, Keith feels like his whole body is waking up from a dream he didn’t know he was having. From the tips of his fingers to the ends of his toes, he feels like he’s burning with purpose again. 

“I know you’re making a life for yourself on Earth, but would you consider joining the Blades again? Part time?” Krolia is sitting across from him at a metal dining table. What counts as dinner in space is long gone, but they’ve remained, just talking, mother and son. 

“I have liked being with you all again. And the work is nice.” Keith feels like he’s not allowed to say out loud how he really feels. His mother’s right. He’s started making a life on Earth. He’s not allowed to give breath to the thoughts in his head, to say that he feels more like himself now than he has in months.

“And you have a mother who selfishly wants to have her son around.”

Keith looks at Krolia’s hands, unable to look her in the eye. “I’ve liked being around you, too.” He laughs to cover up his awkwardness. “Sometimes I miss when we were riding the back of a giant space whale together.”

Krolia laughs and everytime Keith hears that sound, some broken part of his heart heals a little more.

He already knows what he wants to do. Keith just wonders how he’s going to tell Shiro. 

 

***

 

Keith makes a new pattern for his life. For a few weeks he works out, makes dinner, runs errands, and sleeps next to Shiro every night, soaking up his warmth. Then, for the next few weeks he’s in space with the Blades, staying beside Krolia whenever he can and making partners and friends out of the Galra on the ship. Slowly, he feels himself tearing in two. 

At home the fire with Shiro still burns, swallows him whole in soft sincerity and intense passion that he loses himself in easily every single time. 

“God, I missed you.” Shiro yanks Keith through the front door and picks up him with his Altaen arm. 

Keith bursts into a fit of giggles as he’s carried to the couch, the sound foreign to his ears. Only Shiro makes him feel this weightless. “It’s so good to be home.”

Shiro almost loses his balance when he dives into Keith’s neck, licking hot stripes and leaving kisses whenever he sinks in his teeth. “You’ve gotten so strong. God, Keith, what are you trying to do to me?”

“Make you melt.” Keith moans.

“Mission accomplished.” Shiro pulls back and presses his nose gently against Keith’s. He closes his eyes and when he speaks again his voice is thick with emotion. “I missed you. I missed you so much.”

In space, Keith burns with a re-found purpose and finds himself in the work he does, work that makes him feel strong and useful. 

In between planets, he’s playing some game that reminds him of flip cup with a bunch of other half-galras. They’ve gotten close, the group of misfits. Keith’s team is winning. He didn’t make it through dorm life in the military as the resident weird kid with anger issues without getting good at drinking games. 

When Kolivan walks in the room looking for Keith, the youngest in their group hurriedly tries to swipe the evidence off the table, knocking most of it to the floor. Kolivan clears his throat and tells Keith that his mother’s looking for him. “But it can wait.” He cracks his knuckles. “Who’s team am I on?”

The younger Blades cheer as the bigger Galra moves to join them. Keith laughs through his challenge, “You can be on their team. They suck anyway. Would be good to have someone stronger to play against.”

At the next stop, that same group has his back when pirates attack to steal the supplies from the transport ship. They’re boarded and Keith thinks about all the families on the planet below. His instincts kick in, but he’s cornered before he realizes it. His eyes glow a bright yellow and he readies his body to take on four at once, but he hears a shout from down the dark hallway and his friends beat their way through to him. Later that night, they forget their bruises over another round and celebrate another mission well done. 

 

***

 

Shiro is still captain of the Atlas and still runs drills and keeps Earth’s defense fresh and ready, but he starts attending more research meetings and teaching more classes. Keith doesn’t need to ask him how he feels about it. The ear to ear grin Shiro wears when he walks in the door in his uniform is answer enough. 

“You don’t have to make dinner every night, Keith.” Shiro’s strong arms wrap around Keith’s middle as he stands at the stove. “But since you are, what are you making?”

“Just spaghetti. Nothing special.”

“Smells special.”

“I did make the sauce from scratch myself.” Keith admits, a little blush spreading across his cheeks.

Shiro spins him around. “What did I do to deserve you?”

“Everything.”

Over time, Shiro stops asking Keith about his missions. Keith can’t blame him. He doesn’t ask Shiro about life at the Garrison either. What happens outside the walls of their home doesn’t matter much here anyway, but Keith can’t shake the nagging thought that he’s leading two separate lives. He doesn’t know why it bothers him. Plenty of people separate work and home, but something’s off. He ignores it everyday until he goes to sleep. 

“You just got home.” Shiro’s not looking at Keith from his side of the bed. He hasn’t turned over to put his back to Keith, but he might as well have. Keith can hear the sad frustration in his voice.

Keith doesn’t know what to say. He wants to defend himself, remind Shiro that he’s been home for three weeks already and he’s going to have a few more days before he goes again, but that would just start another fight. Keith’s so tired of staying up late talking out their feelings after they fight. They never go to bed mad, but the process is exhausting. “It’s just a short one. Mom says it’ll be two weeks - tops.”

“That’s not too bad.” Shiro’s voice is heavy.

“Nah, I’ll be back before you know it.”

Shiro rolls onto his back and stares at the ceiling. He doesn’t say anything for a long time. Keith lays still in the silence, watching his boyfriend in the soft light cast by his arm. When Shiro speaks again, Keith watches the words fall from his lips. “Are you happy?”

Keith stops breathing, but finds his voice. “Of course.”

“That’s good to know.” Shiro’s still staring at the ceiling.

Keith feels a familiar bitterness rising up in him. Shiro keeps doing this, making these comments that seem innocuous but are loaded with aggression. Whether it’s “still surprised to see you at home” or “it’s nice to actually do something together,” Keith’s tired of those comments ruining what is otherwise a perfect time together. 

He doesn’t get it. If Shiro could just say what he wants to say or drop it altogether, they’d have everything. The rest of his time at home is wonderful, filled with popcorn and movies on the couch or mind-blowing sex before bed, lazy mornings together or nights spent comforting the other when old wounds resurface. 

Keith lets it go. He doesn’t ask, “what do you mean?” because he’s afraid of the answer. Instead he slides over their sheets to be closer to Shiro, humming contentedly when his head settles on his warm chest. He feels Shiro tense beneath him for just a moment before Shiro wraps an arm around him and kisses the top of his head. They don’t say anything the rest of the night and when Keith wakes up in the morning, he’s still curled up along Shiro’s side.

 

***

 

Missions come and go and some days Keith wakes up and his whole skin feels like it’s on fire, like he wants to scratch it all off and become someone else. If he felt like he was being pulled in two different directions before, then now he’s fully torn in two. He has two lives and he wants both. He wants to love Shiro, be consumed by him when he’s home, but use his strength to help the defenseless when he’s not. Keith knows he can have both, but Shiro thinks otherwise. 

“What are we to each other when one of us doesn’t need saving anymore?” The fight started over an hour ago. Outside, the sun has gone down but they’re just sitting in the dark, neither one daring to move to turn on a light. 

Keith’s tried to keep the peace but this is ridiculous. “Why do you keep asking things like that?”

“Because it’s clear you’re not happy here.”

“Stop assuming things about my life.”

“You won’t be a part of my life at the Garrison. You won’t attend any of our official functions even though you know it’s important to me. You’re gone more and more often and when you’re here, I swear, it’s like you’re counting down the days until you can go to space again.”

“That’s rich. Coming from you.” Keith spits.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

Keith tries not to yell, but it’s getting difficult. “You used to want the same thing. You used to seek whatever adventure you could, new challenges. How can you have seen what we’ve seen and be content to just be here?”

“I’m not dying anymore, Keith. I don’t have a ticking time bomb inside me threatening to take away what life I do have. I get to have a whole life and I want to see what I can do with it.”

“So why not do more?”

“I’m doing plenty. I like what I’m doing here.” Shiro raises his voice. “Running off to space every chance you get isn’t the only way. How is our life here, how am I not enough for you?”

Keith feels the hateful bile rise up in his throat. He thinks of the words he’s never said out loud, has never wanted to say out loud until this moment. His blood is rushing through his veins, hot and angry. “You sound a lot like Adam right now.”

“How dare you.” Shiro forcefully stands up from the couch, goes to the bedroom, and slams the door so hard Keith hears the wood crack. 

Hot tears well up in his eyes but it does nothing to quell the blaze inside him. He’s angry and he wants to be alone. More than anything he just wants to be alone. 

 

***

 

They hang on for far too long.

Keith tries to make it work as long as he can. He loves Shiro with every beat of his heart, but somehow it’s not enough. How is it not enough? He loves him so hard it leaves him breathless, but they fight and fuck, clinging to the physical reminders of what they mean to one another until that’s all that’s left. 

Keith knows that if he were a different person, were he not his own version of screwed up, were he not so insecure and hellbent on self-sabotage that he could have made it work. It’s his fault. It has to be. Nothing’s ever Shiro’s fault.

When Keith leaves for his next mission, they don’t say it, but they both know that’s the end. Keith packs a bigger bag than usual and leaves the rest of his stuff there, knowing he won’t see it again, that he’ll disappear and Shiro can keep it all or throw it all away. He doesn’t care.

They tried for too long. Now there’s just a love burning down to embers.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Keith makes a life for himself among the Blades, visits the other paladins, and runs into Shiro.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note the infidelity tag. If that's not your thing, that's a-okay. Just scoot on out of here.

Back with the Blades, Keith doesn’t eat, doesn’t talk for the first few days. Krolia watches her son and Keith knows she must have figured out what happened. She’s not blind. She’s seen Keith’s changes each time he returns from a trip to Earth. His mother gives him three days, three days to sulk before she lets herself into his room.

“Keith, get up.”

He’s on his bed, his back to the door and he doesn’t move. 

She tries again. “I’m not asking. Get up.”

When he fails to stir again, he feels her hands around his waist as he’s pulled out of bed and to his feet. Keith has to stand or else fall to the metal floor. “Grab your gear. We’re sparring.”

Keith does as he’s told but he drags his feet as he follows behind her. He’s weak, in every sense of the word. He hasn’t eaten a full meal in days and he hates himself for being so mentally fragile. But Krolia doesn’t pull any punches. She comes at him like she normally would and Keith is immediately knocked to the ground. “Get back up.” She demands, readying her stance.

He struggles to stand, but prepares himself for the next round. This time he lasts a few more seconds before his face strikes the cold floor again. “Get back up.” Krolia says again. 

The third time, Keith starts to feel the fire in his veins and he lands a few punches of his own before he’s knocked prone again. Krolia doesn’t even wait. “Get back up.”

This time the words hit him hard and he has to swallow hard and blink back hot tears in his eyes. He growls as he comes at her, his fist poised for a heavy strike. Keith punches and kicks until he collapses on his own at Krolia’s feet and he sobs, great, big wracking sobs that shake his whole body. 

His mother sits beside him and draws her son close to her. She cradles him against her body and rests her head on his, running her fingers through his hair. She doesn’t say anything, she just lets Keith weep until there’s nothing left to let go. 

Keith has no idea how much time passes before he falls still again, pressing hard into his mother’s side. He feels foolish for wanting to be held like this, but he gives in easily. He needs this. Everything went wrong somehow, nothing makes sense and he needs this.

When Krolia speaks again her voice is low and steady. “Grieve, Keith. Loss is powerful. It grabs onto us and refuses to let go. It’s alright to grieve, we must. But then we get back up. Every single time we have to get back up.”

 

***

 

Keith doesn’t plan to return to Earth for a long time. Weeks pass before he reaches out to anyone except Pidge and that wasn’t necessarily by choice. Pidge messages him over and over through their communication channel.

Krolia sees the unopened messages and looks over at her son. “You aren’t promised time to be with the ones you love. Be careful not to let everything burn to the ground.”

With guilt heavy in his heart, Keith opens up a channel to call Pidge. She picks up immediately and Keith smiles when he sees how excited she is to see him. To her credit, she keeps the conversation light at the start. They catch up on what they’re doing. 

Pidge has been working with the Olkari refugees on their new planet where they were welcomed by the native population. Ryner’s still nowhere to be found, as are other prominent Olkari. Pidge assumes the worst, but hopes for the best as she works with the refugees to slowly rebuild and unify with the locals who so graciously took them in when they had nothing left. 

The peace lasts all of fifteen minutes. 

“So what happened?” Pidge’s face grows earnest but stern.

“With what?” Keith deflects, not ready to give in to the sinking feeling in his gut.

“Keith. Don’t. Please?” On the screen, her face falls into a crooked smile. 

Keith sits still for a long while, not ready to say anything. Pidge lets him wait until he’s ready. “I honestly don’t know if I could tell you what happened.” Keith thinks back over everything he’s tried to process. “I know I still care about him, but being together,” he pauses, not at all sure how to finish that thought, “we were ruining each other.”

“He’s been a wreck, you know.”

Keith screws his eyes shut and takes a few shaky breaths. Shiro’s face appears behind his eyelids and he snaps them open again. He laughs weakly. “About the same here.”

“I have all your stuff.” She turns the screen to show a few boxes piled up in her room. “Do you think you’ll come home anytime soon?”

“I wouldn't see him if I did.”

“What about the rest of us? We miss you, too.” Keith doesn’t miss the implicit “we matter, too” carefully placed between the lines. Guilt settles into his bones, but he knows he’ll wake up tomorrow and lock it away with the other emotions he can’t deal with now.

 

***

 

Work makes some things easier. Being with the Blades reminds him of all the times Voltron did more than just fight to save the universe. They bring food, supplies for building shelters, and life-saving medicine wherever they go, depending on what the population needs. Sometimes it’s just a matter of re-opening supply lines, clearing them of debris from battles or forcing pirates to leave the sector. 

“Hey, long hair guy.” 

Keith stops short with a large, metal box in his arms. He’s just outside a makeshift hospital and he’s stayed back to help organize supplies while the rest of the crew that’s here on the planet went ahead to gather supplies for turning the hospital into something more substantial and safe. Keith turns on his heel, but doesn’t say anything, not sure if the voice meant him, though there’s no one else around.

Behind him is a boy, stuck in that awkward time between childhood and adulthood, tall but unsure. The boy kicks his toes into the dirt. “Thank you.”

Keith blinks, setting down the box. The words were so quiet, he almost missed them. “You’re welcome.” Warmth spreads through his chest. 

“You brought the medicine, right?” The boy still isn’t looking at him.

“Well, we all did --”

“But you stuck around and talked to some of them, the sick people, right?” The boy kicks the dirt again.

“I did.” Maybe it’s all of the recent video chats with Hunk, but Keith finds himself trying to play the role the Yellow Paladin did on their old diplomatic missions. 

“You made my little brother laugh.” The boy swipes at his eyes with the back of his sleeve then looks up for the first time since their conversation began. His smile is watery. “Thanks.”

“Of course.”

“He’ll be alright now that he has medicine?”

Keith remembers the younger boy now. Their faces are very similar. Keith feels a squeeze in his chest. “He should be.” It’s the truth, and he doesn’t want to make a promise he can’t fulfill, but he wants so badly to tell this boy, “yes, yes of course he’ll be all better now.” At least the smaller boy has a chance now. The Blades helped make that happen.

“I’m glad.”

“Me, too.” And Keith means it. Down to his bones he means it.

To so many lives now, he’s not the Black Paladin, but someone that’s somehow more powerful. 

 

***

 

The first time Keith returns to Earth again is when Lance and Allura’s first child is born. Even with all his issues, there was no way he was going to miss that. By the time he makes it back, Allura and their daughter are back home and it’s just the three, well four, of them spending time together. 

Keith’s not sure how to act around the baby. He looks at her in her crib, sleeping soundly now even though she was screaming when he first walked in. She looks so much like Allura but there’s unmistakable features from Lance, too. That chin, in particular. 

“Congratulations.” Keith says for the fourth of fifth time that visit. He sits back down in their living room across from Lance, Allura dozing lightly on his shoulder. 

“Thanks, man. She’s pretty awesome. Now there’s, like, more Alluras in the world. That can’t be a bad thing.” Lance chuckles. 

“And more Lances.” Allura’s sleepy voice adds with a grin.

“That might be something to worry about.” Keith smirks and the three of them laugh softly. 

Keith can’t help but marvel at the life Lance and Allura have made for themselves. Lance’s family is nearby, helping to work the land as a family. Allura’s collection of farm animals is steadily increasing, too. Turns out, she has a knack with more than just mice and cows who aren’t Kaltenecker. Before their daughter was born, Allura would spend her days caring for all her animals and figuring out new things to make with the milk from her dairy cows. Now she’s had to pass the work off to some of Lance’s siblings and their children as she recovers, but she still makes sure she speaks to them everyday, reminds them all how much she cares for them.

They’re both interested in Keith’s work, too. Allura mentions that once things settle back down, she might like to come along once or twice or, at the very least, find a way to support the Blades’ work from Earth. Lance agrees heartily, his brain already racing through ideas of how he could maybe work with Colleen to come up with new ways to preserve the vegetables they’re growing so Keith could take them on his missions, too. 

When he leaves, Lance tells him to not be a stranger and Keith promises to not let so much time pass between now and his next visit. 

Not wanting to put any more stress on the new family, Keith spends a few nights with the Holts. Colleen has a sad softness in her eyes when she looks at him that first night. Keith wonders what he looks like to people who haven’t seen him ages. Does he look older? Stronger? Or god forbid, weaker?

“Isn’t she the cutest?” Pidge sighs happily next to Keith on their porch swing.

“She’s half Allura, so yes.”

“You can’t tell me she doesn’t look so much like Lance, too! It’s in the eyes.”

“Crazy eyes.”

“Exactly.” Pidge stretches her legs out, bumping the porch swing back a little so it starts to sway. “Good to have you back on this planet.” She jabs Keith hard in the ribs then leans over so her head is resting on his arm. Keith never had any siblings, but he thinks Pidge is the closest thing he’s ever found in this universe. 

He doesn’t see Shiro. Keith’s content to keep it that way.

 

***

 

Keith can’t pinpoint the exact moment in his life that he stopped wanting to be a lone wolf, but whenever it was, he finds himself seeking companionship in the Blades, especially with the other half-Galra. Acquaintances become friends and new friends slowly become confidants as he carefully chooses moments to open up. And sometimes there are hints of something more.

He’s in the cockpit of a transport cruiser with one of his half-Galra friends, a tall man about a year younger than Keith. His non-Galra side is some race that lends him sleek, slender features in his face, like a human face that’s been stretched. On anyone else, Keith thinks it might look off-putting, but it suits him well. And Keith would be lying if he said he never thought about the obviously well-defined muscles under his Blade suit. 

“You ever wish some more of these missions had some kind of fight?” 

Keith laughs. “Sometimes.” He admits. “Everything’s so calm in this sector.”

“Yea, sometimes you just need a punch a pirate in the throat, right?”

“Makes the delivery at the end feel like it’s been hard-won.” Keith adds.

“You get it!” He laughs again. “I feel like I have all this tension built up.” He flexes his arms in front of him to demonstrate his point.

“We could spar later.” Keith offers, ignoring the tiny pinch in his guts at the suggestion. “If you feel like getting your ass kicked again.”

“Big talk. We’ll see.”

 

***

 

The wedding invitation comes through a text message on his com. “Your presence is humbly requested to celebrate the union of Com. Takashi --”

Keith stops reading. He closes the message and drives his fist into his armrest. His breathing is hard and ragged. He’s so miserably angry with Shiro. With himself. With whatever was broken in himself, in Shiro, that made everything fall apart. Keith thought that maybe he could have time. They were young. Maybe he could fix himself and come back one day, but that door was fully shut now. 

How could Shiro possibly love someone more than him? As broken as they became, Keith still held on. His chest shakes as he holds back the emotions that want to burst forth. He trembles as he looks at the now empty screen. He whispers the words that have haunted his mind, giving in and letting them have power over himself. “I’ll never love anyone more than you.”

 

***

 

Keith attends the wedding. Pidge is his handsomely dressed date for the evening. He smiles when he sees her in her three piece suit. “If you’re gonna go to a wedding, you gotta go to the wedding.” She winks.

Pidge stays by his side the whole time, even holding his hand when he refuses to sit through the ceremony and stands outside instead. Throughout the reception the other paladins keep the mood light around him, though their faces tell another story. He appreciates their effort, but wonders why he came. To please Pidge? His sick curiosity over who could’ve won Shiro for good? A desire for the sick self-satisfaction that comes from feeling like he’s been wronged?

Before he leaves, Keith drops a card on the gift table. There’s nothing inside but a short message. “Best of luck. -Keith” 

He leaves with his stomach swirling, tossing around something sick and sour. He apologizes to the rest of the paladins that he can’t stay then leaves as quickly as he came. 

For a while now, he had rebuilt himself, not perfectly, but he was doing fine. He shouldn’t have come. Keith regrets his choice the entire way back to the Blades’ main ship. Alone in the cockpit, he has a few days to sit with his remorse. He tries to sleep but he just replays fond memories mixed with nightmarish fights again and again, analyzing until he’s wide-eyed, staring at the ceiling. 

When he gets back to the Blades, he finds his friend and asks him to spar, “just to work out the stiffness from travelling,” until they find their way back to Keith’s bedroom together that night. A hungry touch from another person allows him grateful moments of detached bliss, but the drop afterwards hits him like a punch to the stomach.

Keith hates Shiro for getting married, for being happy without him, even though it’s the exact thing Keith’s been trying to achieve for himself this whole time. And he had been happy, or he thought he had. He groans and gets out of bed, leaving the other warm body asleep on the other side. His skin feels itchy again, burning again, a feeling he hadn’t felt in so long returning. Keith gets in the shower and lets the water run until it grows cold.

 

***

 

Pidge tries to capitalize on Keith returning to Earth a few more times by inviting him to Holt family gatherings. Keith has a hard, no - impossible - time turning her down when she’s at her most enthusiastic, and he does owe her a lot, probably forever. If being indebted to Pidge means getting to have Sam and Colleen’s cooking, then he’ll happily remain in debt to her forever.

Over time, his visits become more frequent. The Holts live close to the base, but not so close that Keith’s anxiety over being near the Garrison keeps him from visiting. From the windows in the house, especially at night, he can see the bright, illuminated landscape of the high-tech air base, but he does his best to ignore it. That’s easy to do when Pidge hands Keith his second cheap beer of the evening, each of them taking their usual places on the porch swing out front. 

“And anyway, I think the only reason Matt’s not here is that he’s got some secret girlfriend.”

Keith chuckles. “Oh yea? And what about you? Anyone able to reprogram that calculating heart of yours?”

Pidge laughs. “Nope.” She replies cheerfully. “Just the way I like it.”

“I think you might be onto something.”

Pidge makes a questioning hum. “Got some romantic entanglements among the Blades?” There’s a teasing lilt to her voice.

Keith groans. “Nothing like that, just, maybe a little like that.”

“Gross.” She snorts. “Keep it in your pants, Keith.”

Keith flicks her in the arm. “You asked!”

Another round of laughter takes over until a white car starts up the driveway and Pidge freezes. 

“What’s wrong? Who’s that?” Keith asks.

Pidge swears under her breath. “You can go inside. I’ll get dad. That’s who he’s here for.” She gets up quickly, but Keith stops her with a gentle tug on her wrist.

“Who’s here for your dad?” In his gut he already knows the answer. Pidge doesn’t say a reply, but she locks eyes with him and the gesture says enough.

When the car stops, Keith sees the flash of white hair first and his fingers go numb. Pidge looks between them, but Keith just swallows hard and gives her a determined look. She goes back inside, leaving Keith on the porch alone. Shiro’s boots hit the gravel and he looks up. If he’s surprised to see Keith, he doesn’t show it. His face is blank as he walks up the gravel walkway until his boots land heavy on the bottom step.

“Keith. Long time no see.” His tone is light, but his jaw is tense and his grip on the handrail is making the knuckles on his human arm turn white.

“Yea, not since your wedding. Congrats on that.” Keith crosses his arms in front of him, his tongue pressing hard on the back of his teeth to keep the rest of what he wants to say inside. He wants every word he says to feel like a challenge, wants it to push Shiro closer to breaking.

“We got your card.”

“Good.” Keith likes being able to look down at him from his higher spot on the porch. Shiro looks smaller like this, less like an apparition from his dreams or nightmares, depending on the day. “Hope it brought you some luck this time around.”

“It did. Things are going well.” He’s still wearing that grin and Keith wants to smack it off his face. “I came to see Sam, but you’re visiting. I’m sure he’s busy. I can come back another time.”

“No, stay.” Keith gestures towards the house. “I’ll be out here with Pidge. I won’t be in your way.”

Shiro takes one more step up. “Fine.” He takes another until he’s just one below Keith. Shiro hasn’t dropped his gaze since they started talking. Keith doesn’t back down. He stares back and tries to match his intensity. His blood is boiling. He wants to scream at him then kiss him until neither one of them can breathe. Shiro takes the last step and their arms collide. Keith’s heart is hammering in his chest. 

Keith feels Shiro wrap his human fingers around his wrist and pull. His voice comes low and gravelly next to Keith’s ear. “If you have something you want to say, say it.”

“You first.” Keith challenges.

The grip on his wrist tightens. “You have no right to be angry with me. You’re the one who left.”

“And why did I do that?”

“Fuck if I know, Keith.”

The way his name sounds on Shiro’s lips twists his insides into hateful knots. “You gave up on us way before I left.” Keith yanks his wrist out of Shiro’s hold and turns to face him, hands curled into fists at his side.

“Figures you’d say something like that.”

“I never gave up on us. I was always willing to make it work.” Keith’s trying to keep his voice down.

“So, leaving? That’s how you make it work?” Shiro locks eyes with him again, fury running deep.

“I left because I had to.”

“Tell yourself what you need to so you can sleep at night.” Shiro lets loose a frustrated growl, then speaks through clenched teeth. “You know, you don’t get to come back here and say whatever you want, try to shove your way into what I built after you left.”

Keith feels his pulse quicken and he wouldn't be surprised if the yellow in his eyes was starting to show. When he speaks, he tries to lace every word with the bitterness he feels. “What did you build without me here? Is it good? Is it everything you ever wanted?” Keith steps closer into Shiro’s space, putting his face as close to his as possible without touching. He wants everything to hit hard. “Is he everything I couldn’t be for you? Does he make you feel how I used to make you feel, Shiro?” He says his name slowly, letting it drip from his tongue like poisonous honey. 

Shiro’s lips crash into his, their teeth hitting together, all hunger, no tenderness. Keith’s thrown off balance, pushed back into one of the support beams, knocking the air out of him. Keith reaches around and digs his fingers into Shiro’s back hard enough to bruise. Shiro gasps and bites hard on Keith’s bottom lip. Keith slots his thigh between Shiro’s legs and grinds down on the tight muscle below. 

“Get in the car.” Shiro chokes on his words. 

In Shiro’s backseat, Keith rides him until his throat is raw from yelling and he sees stars. They don’t kiss anymore. They use each other, dragging out pent up pleasure from one another’s bodies until they’re both spent. Neither of them say a word when it’s all over. Keith puts his pants back on outside the car, glad for the darkness surrounding them. Shiro straightens his clothes and gets in the driver’s seat, sparing only the shortest glance in Keith’s direction before he drives away. 

Keith knows how he must look when he goes back inside the house. Only Pidge sees him. She doesn’t say anything. Her lips harden into a straight line before she looks away from him. He goes upstairs to his guest room and collapses on his bed, falling asleep in an instant.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welp, kiddos, that's what you call a grown up whoopsie daisy. 
> 
> I swear I think they're both such wonderful bois, but maaaaaaan, is it fun to make them more dysfunctional for a little while. Let's face it. S8 fed this dysfunction and I'm just riding the angst wave.
> 
> And like, I love Krolia so much. And Pidge. My goodness, I love them.
> 
> Also I don't normally get the gift of time to write this much. I'm loving it. Thank you so much for reading!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things get worse before they get better.

Keith hates how good he feels when he returns to the Blades. He feels chaos in his veins, but he welcomes it. He works out more, eats like he’s starving, and stays up later than he used to with the other half-Galra. And if his friend wants to be friends with benefits with nothing else attached, then Keith welcomes it. He’s surrounded by the flames again and he’ll master their control. 

“Keith, is everything alright?” His mother asks from her seat beside him in a shuttle. They’re alone, but they haven’t been speaking much on this mission. 

Keith’s fingers drum along the edge of his armrest. “Yea, of course. Why?”

She sighs. “Just don’t push yourself too hard. Remember to rest.”

“I will.” He replies, but Krolia doesn’t look away. Keith starts to feel irritated. She doesn’t understand. Keith knows he can’t rest. The energy within him is different now. He can stay like this, powerful and self-assured, but only if he stays alert, stays focused, stays busy.

 

***

 

Pidge doesn’t call him again for a while. When she does, she’s as bright and cheery as ever, apologizing for waiting so long in between calls.

“I’ve been with the Olkari again.” She says, but Keith knows how many times she used to call him from the Olkari’s new planet. That’s never stopped her before.

But he accepts the excuse anyway. “Productive visit, I take it?”

“Always!” And then she launches into her explanation of how the Olkari are advancing their efforts of connecting with the new environment. The technology is still ages behind where they used to be, largely due to a lack of resources, but that the local flora seem receptive to communicating with the new inhabitants. 

While she talks, Keith only half listens. His mind is racing. He watches her lips move to try to focus, but he finds himself looking at her hands, looking at her eyes, studying Pidge for some indication of how she’s really feeling. 

They never talked about what happened. Keith, naturally, hadn’t wanted to and Pidge knows when to push and when not to. But right now, he wants her to ignore all that. He wants her to either yell at him or tell him she doesn’t care. Just something. 

The call ends a few minutes later, both of them smiling and wishing each other luck on their travels. Keith changes clothes and goes for a run through the hallways of the ship, his body humming.

 

***

 

Keith returns to Earth sooner than he normally would. It’s a short visit, just one to see Allura, Lance, and their daughter who’s gotten so big already. He stays with the Holts like he always does, but that first evening at dinner, his mind is miles away. Specifically, twenty miles away at a hotel whose address he sent to Shiro with a room number and a time to meet the next day. He didn’t get a reply. 

Keith arrives at the hotel, checks in, and sits on the edge of the bed. His foot taps the floor. He tugs out the band around his hair so it falls loose and he can run his fingers over his scalp, down the long black strands. He catches a glimpse of himself in the floor length mirror across from him and he turns away, sitting on the other edge of the bed, facing the window. 

The door opens. Keith startles at the sound. Throwing off his cap and sunglasses, Shiro’s on him in an instant. Keith’s pinned to the bed under all of Shiro’s body weight, two strong arms pushing painfully into his shoulders. He wraps his legs around Shiro and pulls them closer together, grinding through their clothes. 

When they used to have sex, even if it was rough, it was a conversation. They were reminding one another of how important this was, how cherished and treasured they were to each other. Now it’s a fight, a battle to see who won, who’s still winning, who’s stronger than the other. For hours they fight for dominance, tearing one another apart in a fury of pain and pleasure.

They never speak a word. Shiro leaves and Keith checks out after taking a shower. He ties his hair back up and adjusts his shirt to cover fresh bruises.

The next time Keith visits, he sends Shiro a different address, a time, and a room number. The door finally opens forty minutes after the time Keith sent.

Keith’s lying on the bed, already stripped down to his boxers. “You’re late.” He says like he’s bored, like he wasn’t just panicking over the possibility of Shiro not coming. 

“Work.” Shiro takes off his shirt and drops his pants to the ground on his way to the bed. Keith turns so his back is facing Shiro, but Shiro flips him onto his back, his gaze predatory. Keith relishes in the look, loving the way Shiro looks at him. There’s no way Shiro looks at his husband like that. This is only for him, he can feel it. There’s no time to think about his victory. Shiro pulls his hair, twisting his head to the side and exposing Keith’s neck. He bites hard, Keith moaning as their dance begins.

There are other things Keith bets Shiro’s husband never sees. He runs his fingers down Shiro’s back and presses hard between his cheeks. Shiro’s breath hitches and his eyes screw shut. Keith already feels like he’s won this round. “Does he know how much you like to take it, too?” His voice turns patronizing, his grin growing wider as Shiro’s breath comes faster the more Keith moves his fingers. “Doesn’t seem like it. You need it from me, don’t you?”

“No.” Shiro growls, but Keith already feels it, the heat and the power in his blood. “Yes.” Shiro breaks as Keith continues to play with him, his voice cracking into a whine. Keith’s won and he takes his reward, knowing that no one sees Shiro like this but him.

 

***

 

The next time Keith waits at a hotel for Shiro, he never shows.

 

***

 

Keith’s no longer able to keep the wildfire at bay. He doesn’t fight it. He begins to keep strange hours, often found awake in the mess hall with what passes for coffee in the middle of the night and then barely keeping his head up during strategic meetings. He smiles and shrugs off concerns. He laughs more, works out like he always did, and eats and drinks with his friends, but they’re just gestures, motions he goes through on repeat. 

His mother knows something’s different, but she never forces him to talk. He does, however, notice water on his bedside table some mornings, a blanket over his shoulders if he falls asleep somewhere that’s not his bed, and she kicks his ass every time they spar. It’s Krolia’s way of caring. When she extends a hand to pull him up form the floor, Keith smiles, and though it’s small, it’s sincere.

When he looks in the mirror, he sees the hardened muscle of his shoulders, his chest, his back. He sees the way that time has aged the boyish features on his face. Sometimes he wonders who else is in there, making choices for him, but he’s alone in his skin. He looks like himself, but he knows he’s somebody else now. 

Keith throws himself into work. He jumps on any mission he can and chases the feeling he used to get when he knows he helped a community survive against the odds. He remembers something Hunk told him once, “sometimes the best way to help ourselves is to help others.” 

Sleep never comes when he wishes it would, but he holds onto the memories of smiling faces, thankful parents, kids pulling at his suit and poking at the knife on his hip before running away giggling. He imagines those memories on his ceiling while he stares for hours in the dark. 

 

***

 

“Keith, I need you to call me back. It’s important.” 

Keith’s returning from visiting a village the Blades helped a few months ago and he’s still riding the high of seeing how far they’ve come once the Blades helped them rebuild when he comes back to a worried message from Pidge. They haven’t spoken as often recently and Keith hasn’t been back for a visit in some time, but the message stirs up anxiety in his heart. 

“Pidge,” he says immediately when she picks up, “What’s wrong?”

“Have you talked to Shiro?”

The name knocks the air from his lungs. 

Pidge continues in his silence. “I can’t pretend I don’t know what’s been going on, and right now I really don’t care if you want to talk about it. He’s been gone for a few days and I’m trying to see if he’s okay.”

“What?” Keith hears the words, but things don’t make sense.

“I thought he might have messaged you, given everything that’s been happening.”

“No, nothing.”

Pidge lets out a heavy sigh. Her head slumps into one of her hands. “Let me know if you do hear from him, okay.”

“Pidge, what’s happening?”

“I don’t know. He’s been weird for a couple of weeks. Not surprising.” She glares at him and it’s the closest she’s ever been to angry at him. Keith feels incredibly small under her stare. “He called out of work for being sick, but he hasn’t been home. Curtis says he left a note but he said it didn’t say where he was going. He won’t tell anyone what else the note said.”

Pidge rests both of her hands on the desk in front of her. She takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly. Keith waits, knowing he’s going to hate what she’s going to say, but he knows he’s going to listen. It’s Pidge.

“I don’t know what’s going on with you two, but god, Keith. He’s married. It happened. You were there, for crying out loud.” Her voice cracks and she takes a moment to steady herself again. “I was understanding, but I have my limits. This isn’t just about you and Shiro. Your choices affect so many others.” She sniffs and clears her throat. Keith feels a burning behind his eyes. “You know I love you, but --”

Pidge stops herself and Keith sits there in his room, finishing the thought in his head. She doesn’t need to say it. He knows. 

He’s known it since he left Shiro. The way he is now, the way they are now, it’s destructive. Somehow loving Shiro this much turned what used to be so good into something that burns down everything else in its path. For so long, they’ve been caught in an intense cycle. Shiro saves his life. He saves Shiro’s life. Around and around they circle around the other. Keith found it hard to care for anyone else the same way he cared for Shiro. He loved the other paladins, his mother, but what he felt for Shiro consumed him, made him content but wild in his heart.

When the fog of war was over, that energy had nowhere to go and it tore them apart, but his love for Shiro never let him go. Every choice Keith’s made since he left was still because of him. Keith was willing to ruin anything if it meant he could have Shiro with him again, in whatever way Shiro was willing to give, whatever way Keith could take. 

“Say something.” Pidge rips him from his reverie.

Keith just shakes his head slowly. 

 

***

 

Incoming message from T. Shirogane>>

I’m fine. Already talked to people back on Earth. They know I’m safe. Needed some time.

I don’t know what you are to me anymore, but I know what you do to me. I made choices and hurt those around me. You and I, we save the universe but we ruin what’s closest to us. I don’t deserve them. I’d say I don’t deserve you either, but maybe I do. Maybe we’re meant to spend forever finding ways to be broken so we can save each other. Maybe we seek out the chaos because that’s when we find each other, over and over again.

Reply if you want to, but I won’t read it. Not now.

 

***

 

Usually Krolia’s the one sneaking into Keith’s room to make sure he’s alright or to force him out of bed and out of his own head, but a couple days after Shiro’s message, Keith knocks on her door. 

Her room’s a lot larger than his, set up with a small living room and some other amenities that junior Blades don’t have yet. They sit opposite one another in small but comfortable chairs. Keith shifts in his, unable to find peace. Krolia rests her elbows on her knees, her hands pressed softly against her lips, and waits for Keith to speak.

It takes him ages. He walked here with the need for the release of some sort of confession, but now that he’s here, the words escape him. Keith wishes he could just look his mother in the eyes and she would know. A part of him swears she already knows the whole story, but he knows he needs to say it out loud.

He doesn’t know where to start, so he begins where he can. “I tried - Shiro and I tried to make it work, but after the war, something wasn’t right anymore. I was restless.” He looks down at his hands and picks at the skin. “We were no longer constantly saving each other’s lives. That cycle of the fear of losing him and the rush of having him back - at the time I hated it, but once it was gone, we had what? A normal life? Shiro goes to work. I do, too. We make dinner and grow old? I wanted to want it. I did. But I left. We were so in love but so unhappy -- I just left him.”

Keith looks up and searches his mother’s face for any changes, but she sits stone still, though her hands have dropped from her mouth to come rest in her lap. Her back is straight, her face almost unreadable, spare the slight downturn in her lips. She says nothing.

“And then, he got married.” Keith’s stomach drops when he says it out loud for what might be the first time. It certainly hits him like it’s his first time admitting it happened. “He got married and I thought - mom, I thought that if I had time to figure things out that there would be a chance. He took it away.”

“You made your choice.” Keith makes a choked sound in his throat. Krolia continues. “He made his. But I know that isn’t the end of this. More has happened?”

He looks at the floor again, unable to look her in the eye any longer. “And then I ran into him when I was visiting Pidge. We fought and then --” Keith cuts himself off. “It didn’t stop after that one time. I met up with him every time I went back. Until one day he didn’t show.” He starts to talk faster. “Then he goes missing a few days ago. Pidge tries to ask me about him, all worried, then I get some cryptic message from him about how maybe we deserve each other because we’re stuck together, stuck being broken so we can save each other. I don’t know where he gets off saying that out of nowhere. Except ever since I read it, it’s all I can think about. Why do I keep doing this? Why can’t I just leave it all, leave him behind for good? I tried. I tried over and over but then I --”

“Do you still love him?”

“It’s not enough!” Keith yells, slamming his fist into the chair.

“Do you still love him?” Krolia asks again.

“I do. I do, but it’s all twisted and wrong now.”

Keith hears her shift in her chair, take a deep breath, but he’s still staring at the floor. “When I met your father, I was used to fighting. It was all I’d ever known, but he showed me more. All I wanted was the life where I could cook dinner, watch you grow up, and grow old with your father.” Keith’s lip starts to tremble as he listens. “But I didn’t get any of that. And even though I love you, Keith, I don’t know you as well as I would like. I don’t know if that’s the kind of life you want.” She pauses. “When I asked you to come with us, I wanted to see you, have you be a part of my life. I also thought it might help you adjust to your new life, but if I did anything that caused --”

“You didn’t. If it wasn’t this, it would have been something else. I was looking for an out. I kept feeling like I was stuck in someone else’s life.”

They’re both silent for a long time. When Krolia speaks again, her voice is thin. “There are many different kinds of love. A love that grows amidst constant fear might look very different, but it’s still love.” She sighs, long and loaded with words unsaid. “I don’t think there is a right answer to all this. Right now, I think you both just need to sit with your choices for a little while.”

Keith looks up and his mother’s usually stern face is softer. “You’re still young, Keith. There’s time. It’s a mother’s hope that you have enough time in this world to feel truly loved.”

 

***

 

Keith types and retypes a reply to Shiro six or seven times before he sends one sentence. Unsurprisingly, a reply never comes.

Outgoing message to T. Shirogane>>

I never stopped loving you.

 

***

 

Again, missions come and go, but there’s less to do now that the newly re-formed Blades are coming up on their second anniversary. It seems the future of the Galra lies in finding a new leader and establishing a new home. There’s whispers that his mother and Kolivan are important and trusted enough to be considered. Keith can’t believe it, but he also can’t imagine anyone better suited for it. The Blades will always exist, though. There will always be those Glara who remain restless, who are guided by challenge and triumph. There’s certainty in that, but little else in Keith’s life.

Yet, Keith gets back up. He rebuilds again, tries to reconnect some of the bridges he inadvertently burned when his life focused solely on Shiro again for those months. He spends longer on the planets they visit, sometimes staying behind with a small crew to help the locals to build more homes, hospitals, and schools. He feels like he’s stuck in a loop, repeating the same patterns of death and rebirth, but at least he remembers how to find comfort in working with his hands, in helping others to help himself, in remembering the other parts of life that matter.

“Hey Pidge.” Keith waves. His connection’s fuzzy at best. The planet he’s on has a strange field around it that weakens signals passing through its atmosphere. It’s enough, though. 

Pidge, bless her endless patience, has remained his friend. She still calls him out when needed, that’s never changed, but she’s always there - even if she did need some space for a little while. Now they’re back to chatting once or twice a week. 

“Hey Keith.”

“Whoa, you look tired.”

Pidge pulls on the bags under her eyes for added effect. “I’ve been awake for so long. We were in the middle of a breakthrough and --

“You just couldn’t stop.”

“Never could before. Why start now?” She chuckles. “And having mom here has been awesome. We’re making so much more progress. The Olkari are working with our new allies on this planet to breed new plant types to increase food production and augment the communication system between the Olkari and the local plant life.”

“Did Matt come this time?”

“No, turns out I was right. He does have a secret girlfriend. Well, not a secret anymore. Hunk spilled the beans. Matt won’t tell us anything but Hunk says she’s nice. Funny, too.” There’s a knock on Pidge’s door in the background. “Hang on a minute.” Pidge disappears from the screen and Keith’s left facing a blank wall. Through the fuzzy connection he can hear a man’s voice and he swears he recognizes it, that it twists his stomach into knots, but that would be impossible. Well, maybe not impossible, but unlikely. He wouldn't’ -- “Sorry about that. No rest for the resident genius.” She winks.

“If you’re tired, I can let you go.”

“Aw, don’t worry about it. Plus, who’s gonna be there to make fun of how you look like you’re about to burst of of you BoM suit?”

“Hey,” Keith defends, trying to shake off the weird feeling, “it’s supposed to look this way. I’ve been bulking up. Other people like it.”

“Looks like if you sneezed too hard there’d be some issues.” She sings the last word teasingly.

They go back and forth about nothing at all, the way he’s used to, but Keith keeps trying to figure out why the voice unsettled him so much. It can’t be who he thinks it is and the connection is awful, so he probably mishead. He tries to reassure himself, but gets nowhere. “So,” he starts casually, “anyone else I know on this trip besides your mom? Did,” he pauses for a moment, “like, your Dad come?”

“Nope, he sat this one out.”

“So nobody else then? Just curious.”

Pidge fidgets in her chair. The video skips a little. “So you heard?”

“I think I did.”

“Yea, he’s here. Shiro took an extended leave of absence from the Garrison and he’s been working with me whenever I come out here.”

Keith finds himself letting out a breath he wasn’t aware he’d been holding. “That’s nice.” He replies out of instinct, his thoughts starting to race as he processes the new information.

Pidge is quiet for a moment. She gives him a sort of sideways smile. He’s earned a lot of those lately. “Despite everything, I love you both. You know that. I don’t understand, well, any of it, really, but no matter what, I’m still here. For both of you.”

 

***

 

Incoming message from T. Shirogane>>

I was angry and hurt, but I don’t think I ever stopped loving you either.

 

***

 

The next time Keith’s on Earth it’s because Lance and Allura’s daughter is almost two and “she might actually remember this one, so we’re gonna have a party.” She’s grown up so quickly, already taller than most her age, and she loves animals like her mother and is loud but has an excellent laugh like her father. 

Keith is pulled into a giant hug with Hunk as soon as he walks up to their house. He chuckles out a protest but he’s glad for it. A Hunk hug is the perfect antidote for the anxiety bubbling beneath his skin. 

Though they’ve been few and far between, he and Shiro have been sending messages to one another. They stuck to safe topics - Shiro’s work with Pidge and the Olkari, Keith’s work with the Blades, never anything too personal - but enough for Keith to know he’s coming today. 

The Holts are all there, as is all of Lance’s family. Coran is doting on his goddaughter and there’s several members of the original coalition that Keith recognizes and his heart swells at the sight of everyone together, doing well. The weather is warm but there’s still a chill in the air leftover from the morning. Their daughter is running around with a few children around her age, a mix of humans and aliens and those in between. 

Shiro walks out of the house with Lance, helping carry more snacks to the tables set up out front. Keith’s eyes follow him until Shiro looks over, a small smile at the corner of his lips. 

Messaging Shiro every few weeks is one thing. Actually speaking to him is another thing entirely, and Keith can’t bring himself to do it. Judging by the distance Shiro keeps, the feeling is mutual. For right now, coexisting is enough. It’s a step. Towards what, Keith’s not sure. He doesn’t know what the future holds for the two of them and he’s done taking. He just wants to be a bit more like who he used to be. So, he plays with the kids and catches up with the other paladins because seeing them in person is so much better than over a video screen. 

Keith’s never been one for goodbyes, so he subtly makes his rounds and leaves before the kids go to bed. His stomach is full and his heart is warm, even if part of it is still twisted up and confused. When he gets back to the Holts, he knows he’ll have to wait for them to get back to get inside, but he’s glad for some time alone. He sits on the porch swing in the dark and tries to remember every part to the ridiculous, make-up toddler story Lance and Allura’s daughter told him that day.

 

***

 

Keith doesn’t see Shiro again until he makes the choice to. Pidge reaches out to him about specific supplies the Olkari need to see if the Blades have ready access to any of them. She offers to shuttle over or to meet him somewhere. She doesn’t say it’s because Shiro’s still with her, but Keith knows that’s why. He looks her in the eyes and says he’ll come. 

Krolia offers to come. “You’re required to have a co-pilot,” she reminds him. 

“I must be very important if I require one of the highest ranked senior members to come with me.”

A subtle grin spreads across her face. “You are.”

He takes one of the youngest members instead, viewing it as an opportunity to teach someone the routines. And if the young woman also loves to tell loud stories that happen to make Keith unable to hold a thought, let alone stew in his own thoughts, then that’s just fine. She’s another half-Galra that reminds Keith a little of Coran. Flying with her, he half expects her to go deep into Altaen lore for a few hours, but instead he’s distracted by hours of stories about the new recruits. 

When they arrive, his co-pilot goes deadly silent. In front of Pidge her eyes grow as wide as dinner plates and she stammers through her introductions. As they start unloading the shuttle, she whispers to Keith, “I never thought I’d get to meet one Paladin of Voltron, let alone two.”

A few more people arrive to help, more Olkari, a couple of people from the Garrison that work with Colleen, and in the back, as statuesque as ever, is Shiro. He hears the young half-Galra inhale sharply when she sees him. Keith makes a similar noise, his born from guilt, not admiration. Since the party, there’s been a few more messages about work, but nothing substantial. This time, however, Keith plans to stay for a few days. He’s going to make time for a conversation that’s long overdue.

 

***

 

His first chance comes the following morning. Keith wakes up early to go for a run. He needs the security of his daily routines to feel together and, admittedly, he’s excited to see more than the same metallic hallways. When he gets outside, he sees the familiar outline of a set of broad shoulders and a strong back set against the rising sun. Of course, Shiro would be the only other one out this early. With a pinch in his chest, Keith remembers how Shiro used to force him out of bed in the mornings to make him exercise before they started dating, when they were something more than friends but without a name for it.

Now, too, they’re more than friends, deeply care for one another, but not friendly. There’s no word for that either. Keith lets him run ahead, not wanting to invade his space. Once he gets far enough away, Keith starts on the same path around the small city. He keeps his distance but he knows Shiro sees catches a glimpse of him a few times. Eventually Shiro looks back over his shoulder and slows down. Keith’s heart hammers in his chest, but he catches up easily, slowing down only when he’s a few paces away. 

For a moment, neither of them say anything as they walk in step with the other. Keith closes his eyes and steadies his hands at his sides. 

“Glad you’re still running.” Shiro speaks first. It’s stiff and strange, but god, Keith is overjoyed to hear that voice directed at him again.

“Glad old age hasn’t slowed you down at all.” Keith can’t bring himself to look at Shiro directly.

Silence falls again and Keith feels everything boiling up from inside. His hands and face feel hot and it’s not from the running. His breaths have grown shallow. He speaks quickly before he reaches the breaking point, when he knows his voice gets shaky and weak. “I’m sorry.” His chest heaves once and he stops walking.

Shiro takes another step then stops, too, turning around in front of him. Keith can’t look up. He only sees Shiro’s shoes and the dirt beneath them.

“I’m sorry.” Keith says again and he holds back everything else that wants to burst out. He shuts his lips closed tight, biting them shut from the inside. 

He watches Shiro take one slow step, then another. Then two hesitant arms are wrapped around his shoulders. There’s still space between them but Keith closes it when he hears Shiro whisper into his hair, “I’m so sorry.”

Neither of them shed a tear. Keith’s pretty sure he’s already cried until there was nothing left and it doesn’t feel right anyway. The remorse runs too deep for tears. Keith wraps his arms around Shiro’s middle and they stay there, shaken but together. 

Shiro’s the first to pull back. He looks up at the sky, inhales, and lets out a slow, heavy breath. He starts walking again and Keith silently falls in step beside him.

 

***

 

They don’t speak again for the whole day. Keith’s not sure why he imagined some grand conversation between the two of them. When the time came, no words seemed right, nothing at all. What would he start with? An explanation? The reason why he left? Would he want Shiro to talk about his failed marriage? The reasons why they slept together? The past few years are such a horrible mess. Someday they’ll need to work through it, but it’s not now. 

Before anything else, he just needs to be there.

The locals and the Olkari present Keith and his co-pilot with a small but delicious celebratory meal to show their gratitude. The guests gather around a large table and the young half-Galra woman has resumed her normally talkative role and has made fast friends among the group. Keith quietly takes a seat across from Shiro towards the end of one of the table. Throughout dinner, they speak with those sitting next to them, but Keith steals glances when he can, content just to see Shiro there.

When the dinner’s done, he lingers. Shiro does, too. With a now empty room around them, a table between them, and a heavy burden on Keith’s shoulders, he begins.

“I’ve missed you.”

Leaning back against his chair, Shiro nods, bringing the fingers of his human hand to ghost across his lips before they settle on his cheek, propping him up. 

“I really fucked up.” Keith laughs weakly at the understatement of the century.

Shiro smiles, but it doesn’t reach his eyes. “You’re not alone in that.”

“I can do a lot of things. I can pilot a Lion. I can help save the universe. But I couldn’t stay still long enough to see what I -- we had.”

“And I didn’t listen.” Shiro sighs. “God, Keith, I’m not even thirty and I’ve got a divorce behind me and I can’t see what’s ahead.”

“I can’t see too far ahead either. But I --” Keith puts his elbows on the table, tangling his fingers in his hair. He takes a deep breath. “But I hope you see me in yours. I’m not pushing my way in and I can’t guess in what way, there’s a lot that’s still awful and weird, but --”

“You are. If you want to be there, I think I’d like that.”

 

***

 

Over the next few months, messages turn into calls, calls turn into video chats. The process is fragile. Both of them are timid and guarded. Keith feels like the mistakes behind him prove that he’s not worthy of any of this, but he tries to re-discover the parts of himself worth holding on to. Pidge reminds him that everyone’s a collection of their choices, the good and the bad, “but as long as we work to grow, the bad won’t outweigh the good.” Keith holds onto that like a prayer. 

Keith grabs his dinner from the mess hall and takes it to his room so he can meet Shiro during one of his breaks. He’s in the middle of shoving a spoonful in his mouth when a video pops up on the small screen. 

Shiro grimaces. “I do not miss the food on ships. How’s the goo tonight?”

“Texturally abhorrent and bland.” Keith smirks. “Same as always.”

They catch each other up on their weeks. Shiro’s back on Earth for the time being. He’s at a satellite base instead of at the main Garrison working with a new group of researchers. Keith’s just finished seeing his mother, half of the new leadership representing the Galra in the Coalition.

“Do you know the next time you’ll be on Earth?”

Keith shakes his head. His heart rate picks up a little when Shiro bites his bottom lip.

“Well, when you do know, could you tell me?”

“Yea, of course.”

“Because maybe we could go get dinner?”

Keith sets down his spoon and nods gently. “That’d be great.”

 

***

 

Next time he’s on Earth, Keith stays with the Holts like he always does. Pidge, of course, knows about dinner. She insists on braiding Keith’s hair and he lets her because it’s grown too long to do much else with. After so long with the Blades, he has few other clothes to wear, but he does have a pair of jeans, a black shirt that hasn’t faded too much. 

When Shiro’s car pulls into the driveway, Keith tries hard to push the memory out of his mind of the last time he was standing on the Holt’s porch waiting for Shiro to walk towards him. 

Then he was full of fury, bitterness and rage. He let it swallow him whole. Now he stands on their porch older, humbled, and hopefully a little wiser. 

Keith walks down the steps and meets Shiro on the walkway, gravel crunching beneath their shoes. The sun is only a few minutes from finally setting, and the purple hues in the sky make Shiro look like something out of a painting. But he’s flesh of bone, full of mistakes just like Keith is, but ready for the rest of what life can bring. 

“Hey.” Keith smiles.

“Hey.” Shiro mirrors back, his teeth showing as his smile widens.

Keith takes another step forward and carefully slides his arms around Shiro’s waist. Shiro tenses at first, but relaxes into the touch. “Can I call this a date?” Keith asks, locking eyes with him.

Shiro nods and pulls Keith closer to him. “If it’s a date, would it be okay if I kissed you now?” 

Keith watches as Shiro’s grin slips, showing his nerves. 

“Yes.” Keith slowly moves his hands so they’re gently clasped around his neck. Rolling onto the balls of his feet for a little extra height, he leans into Shiro, closing his eyes just before their lips meet. 

The wildfire is gone. Once, it burned his life down to ashes, but Keith got back up. He never knew the right way to do it, but he fed the embers in the rubble until, somehow, something could start again. With Shiro’s lips pressed warmly against his, Shiro’s arms wrapped around him again, Keith knows he doesn’t have to figure it out alone anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy new year! I wanted to get this done before Jan 1 (in my time zone) and I pushed myself to make that happen (even though this chapter grew, like, way out of hand - it's so much longer than I originally planned).
> 
> I hope you enjoyed the journey. It's kind of weird to say "enjoy" with angst, but like, I get it. I love it. Gimme those angsty feels.
> 
> Thank you all for reading. I wish you wonderful things in 2019! (and maybe I'll write some Sheith fluff to atone for my angsty sins soon) (｡•̀ᴗ-)✧

**Author's Note:**

> The alternate summary for this fic is "I take the fire metaphor and beat it 'til it's dead then beat it some more."
> 
> I'm sorry my first Sheith fic is angst. 
> 
> ...No I'm not. I love angst. I wanna drown in it.  
> I hope you... enjoy! (???) .+:｡(ﾉ･ω･)ﾉﾞ 
> 
> [Chat with me on twitter @HeyMellieJellie](https://www.twitter.com/heymelliejellie)


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